At first I didn’t understand this little thing called love, the most powerful four letter word known to mankind. However, over the last few months I’ve grown to know it thoroughly and in every capacity, positively, and also negatively.
Initially, I blamed the other involved party for everything. However, after taking a step back and looking at the situation, I realized I should’ve known better. I also realized that because of my prior knowledge, this may have even been more my fault than hers.
The “pain” that I’ve experienced within the past few weeks has seemed a bit unbearable. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Thus, I was motivated to post this informational piece to possibly help someone from making the mistake that I made.
Let’s talk about love.
Love comes in three (3) stages: Eros, Philia, and Agape. Agape, the last and greatest stage is most popularly known. Most people have heard the term “Agape Love” at least once. Conversely, the other terms are all too often left out. In my opinion, eros and philia are just as, if not more, important than agape.
Eros is the weakest but probably the most popular relationship form of love. It’s also often thought to be a strong heartfelt form of love because it profoundly involves emotion. Eros is a physical and selfish love. Eros can be considered the Greek word equivalent to the English word “erotic”. They both imply the same things, love of the physical human body. I believe eros is selfish because although it may involve a somewhat genuine feeling for someone else, the feeling is only stimulated by that person’s sex appeal and hence, the satisfaction or pleasure that you may believe that you can acquire from that person. Eros acts as if it is a love for someone else but it is actually a love for one’s self. The love for the other person is only there because of what that person can do for you, or the material things they can give you. Eros says, “I love you because you make me happy and I will continue to love you as long as I’m happy”. If your happiness is taken away eros love dies. Notice eros looks for whatever it can get. It gives nothing. When it neglects to get what it wants it is transformed to resentment, hatred, and/or bitterness.
Please be careful not to choose a significant other based upon the “oh so emotional” eros.
Philia, the equidistant is also rarely talked about. Philia encases eros, but isn’t as selfish. Although it is still based on self happiness, it is also concerned with the other person’s happiness. It also deals with the more than just the physical appearance of the other person. Philia love deals with the intellectuality and the spirituality of the other person. Philia finds common ground, such as, shared cultural values, shared likes and dislikes, and even mutual favorites. Without a doubt, it’s the most popular friendship form of love. Philia is a much better relationship builder than eros. This is because philia requires mutual sharing. This is exactly what Lyfe Jennings was talking about when he said “50/50 love”. Philia says, “I love you because who you are, not just because of what you look like or what you do for me”.
As I said earlier Philia is an awesome relationship builder. It deals more with “our” rather than “mine” or “my”. Philia includes both parties in all decisions and thus is a lot less selfish than eros.
Last, but certainly not least, the most popular and also most difficult form of love, Agape! Agape says, “I love you and there’s nothing you can do to change that.” I said agape is difficult because, ‘it is patient and kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (I Corinthians 13:4-5)
Agape love is the love that God has for his children. No human can totally achieve the heights of agape love. When we’re hurt by others, most of the time we hold grudges. Even when we claim we’ve “let it go”, in the back of our minds, there’s still a record of what was done. We “feed them through a long-handled spoon”. Even though we claim to let it go, that’s still a record. Agape love says even when you’re significant other cheats, you forgive them and you forget about it! Agape love is not a relationship builder. It’s cannot be the foundation of a relationship. However, at times it’s the only thing that may hold a relationship together. Agape love is what we should strive to have for our significant others as well as our friends.
I made the mistake of falling at ethos. I saw something I wanted and I went after it. I did everything I could to get her attention. And for the short time that I had it, I was exultant. However, as soon as I lost her attention, the “pain” came. I was miserable! After a small amount of time throwing myself the ultimate pity party, my misery began to transform into bitterness. I became bitter and I even said I never wanted to speak to her again. But I began to think about what REALLY sparked my interest in her. I realized I didn’t even know enough about her to begin a relationship with her. It was just something I wanted because it would make me happy (ETHOS!!!).
I’m glad that I realized this before my bitterness got to the “we can’t be friends” stage. Although I lost a temporary “love”, I caught my friendship before I allowed it to slip too far away!
If you’ve taken time to read this in its entirety, THANK YOU! I hope you’ve learned something from my mistake so that you won’t make the same mistakes I made. If you find yourself traveling the same road as I, make the U-turn before it’s too late. Don’t let ethos ruin the possibility of latter development of philia and agape. And if philia already exists, make sure agape is also there just in case someone’s feelings get hurt. That way you can love em anyway!
With AGAPE Love,
Brandon Michael Winns
